Closed Doors and Open Windows

Today is the national day of remembrance for families who have lost babies to miscarriage, still birth, or infant death. It has me thinking about several things and I decided to come pound out my thoughts on this old laptop while Walker is taking an afternoon nap and the house is quiet. I lost two babies to miscarriage. The first baby would soon be five years old and the second baby would be turning three. When I think about those two children, I marvel at God's plan for our family. If I wouldn't have miscarried those two little ones, I wouldn't have conceived Ally or Walker. The timing would have been off. It makes me really stand in awe of God's perfect plan. Don't get me wrong... I wish with all my heart that I had all four of my children under this (leaky) roof today. But I'm so very blessed to have even two little ones here with me. And I rest in the knowledge that the other two are in Heaven.

As I thought about our family and our children, I've also been thinking about our adoption plan, hence the title of this post. The last few weeks have been a roller coaster for us in regards to the adoption. The bottom line is this: once again, God showed us that His plan is not our plan. But His plan is the best plan. That is my only sanity at this point. Josh has been praying specifically that God would "close doors no man could open; and open doors that no man could close" in regards to our adoption. When we began this journey, we started out looking at a foster to adopt program through a Christian agency. Eventually, that agency told us our chances of adopting an infant through them was slim to none so we moved on.

Next, we talked with the Department of Social Services in our county and had a very negative impression. God brought a few other clear indications of "no" and closed that door too. Then we were accepted by a private agency and we got really excited. We started saving/raising money and had 10 days to make a decision. Two days before we had to send the check, we both felt uneasy and looked at the paperwork again. We found something we had missed in the beginning and that particular policy made us uncomfortable working with the agency at all. So we declined and started over AGAIN.

On that same day, we got a phone call from another private Christian adoption agency in Kentucky. It seemed that God was opening a door. This agency was less expensive, Christ-centered, and we were comfortable with everything. In a word, we were ECSTATIC! We sent in all the paperwork, the initial fee, and began the home study with a separate agency in our state. Three weeks into the process (right before we left for the beach), we got a call from the director of the agency.

He basically told us that we were the "perfect family" that any Christian agency would want to work with, but that they were changing their policies a bit and felt like we would be better served by their sister agency which was in our state. I was sad to hear they weren't going to personally work with us, but I wasn't defeated yet... the sister agency was only a few hours from where we lived and the director told me it would be much less expensive to adopt in state anyway. So I made the next round of phone calls and THEN I was officially devastated. The sister agency had completely different policies. We would lose all the money we had already invested in our home study. We would have to pay for state foster care for our baby for the first seven days. And then we would have to present a MASSIVE check on the day we picked up our baby at their office. Their fees were around 12,000 dollars higher than the other agency. I felt sick. I cried. I whined to God. I got mad. I threw my hands up and went to the beach and said, "Forget it!"

While we were at the beach, I had a lot of fun with Ally and Walker. Again, God nudged my heart and those desires to have more children came poking through, even while on vacation. It's hard to explain really. When I was going through months of fertility treatments and putting my body through torture to get pregnant, it was a very difficult time in my walk with God. I struggled with my faith with each negative pregnancy test. But now, I still want a baby just like I did then. Most people think I'm selfish. After all, I am so blessed to have two children. But I feel so called to adopt. Josh feels it too. This is God's plan for us. We long for a large family. When I was trying to get pregnant, I felt like I had at least a little control. I could "do something" in the waiting. I could buy a pregnancy test, take a pill, take injections, eat a fertility friendly diet, etc. But this is different. With adoption, I'm literally waiting to even be waiting for a baby. It is all in God's hands and there is absolutely nothing I can do.

It's a helpless feeling. And it's the best thing that has happened to my faith in a good, long time.

Because my only choice is surrender.

In the last couple days, God has renewed my hope. He opened a few "windows" that we are peaking through. We are praying for His guidance. We were told about another Christian agency that we talked with at length yesterday. They were so wonderful, but also very expensive. God also put us in touch with someone from the department of Social Services in a neighboring county. I had never even met this person until recently and they so kindly shared some advice with us.

In a nutshell, I don't know what path we will take, but God has reminded me of something I had forgotten. Before I got married, I saw my life turning out much different than it is today. I believed I would live on the foreign mission field, most likely in Africa. I believed I would spend my life taking care of orphans and being a mother to the motherless on the other side of the world. God's plans were not my plans and here I am today, serving Him in a totally different capacity. Yet what about those dreams that I had years ago? What about that girl who wanted to be a mother to the motherless? What happened to the girl who wanted to be surrounded with children who had no other home to go to? Did she grow up and get so wrapped up in herself that she was only willing to work with a private agency that offered her a newborn baby with "no legal risk" attached? Did she become so self-centered that being a mother became more about her than about the motherless?

I'm ashamed of myself. What does it mean to look like to be God's hands and feet? For me, maybe it is going to look like rocking babies that have no home. Even if this is only their home temporarily. Maybe foster care is going to be a part of our future at some point. Maybe I'm not going to move to the jungles of Africa to mother the motherless... perhaps God is going to have me doing that very thing right here in this parsonage. Maybe He is opening my eyes to how His plans for me mesh with His plans for Josh. While once I thought that my calling was swept under the rug when paired next to my husband's call to preach and pastor, now I'm seeing that God just might be pairing the two up.

And you know what? It might be really hard. It might be devastating. It might mean some sad good-byes. It might mean a lot more work and a lot less sleep. It might mean sacrifice. It might not be the path I would have chosen. But I bet when Jesus walked the road to that cross, it was really hard for Him too. I bet it was devastating. I bet there were some sad good-byes. I bet it was a lot of work and no sleep. I know it was the ultimate sacrifice. He did it for me. He died so that I might live. And He rose from the grave so that I might live abundantly and eternally in the new life He offers me. So how am I going to be His hands and feet? That's what I'm looking out the open windows to see.

How are you going to be His hands and feet? No matter who you are or where you are at in your life, I feel certain that God has a purpose that is unique for you and you alone. He created you for something. He made you beautiful, my sister, and He wants to be magnified through your life. Will you peak through the window with me today and watch for Him to walk by with a word for you? Will you look to Him and ask for His guidance? Will you be His hands and His feet in this lost world today?